On feeling lost and overwhelmed in your 20s

and finding out what actually matters. 𖦹

A few weeks ago, I was watching a Netflix series, crying (almost the entire time), even though I never cry while watching something. But for some reason this one split me open. The series follows two young adults over the course of 10 years and how they weave in and out of each other's lives, tethered by the thread of deep love for each other. However, this love can never fully bloom as they never seem to be truly ready for each other.

I don't think it was the love story that made me have the biggest lump in my throat per se, I think I was deeply relating to this intangible phase of life they were in. Their 20s. The messy 20s. Having a lot of dreams but not quite knowing how to make them come alive yet. Deeming it as more important to do the thing that earns you admiration from strangers, rather than what allows you to deeply connect with your people and yourself. Trying to figure stuff out and unintentionally hurting others in the process. Not being able to appreciate what is right before your eyes, because there seem to be so many better things waiting, when in fact there might not. Spending too much time on someone who isn’t able to love you the way you need them to. Falling in love with potential rather than who they really are. Meeting the right person at the wrong time (are they actually the right person then?). Being reckless with the excuse that one day, probably exactly as you turn 30, everything will magically fall into place (which it might! I wouldn't know ;)).

But what if life stays messy, and we just learn to deal with it better as we are getting older? What if a messy life is actually more beautiful? What if life doesn’t have to be tamed? What if, in our twenties, we often lean on the excuse that things will surely fall into place, just to avoid confronting the fear of one day waking up, realising we haven’t lived in the way we wanted to? Or, what if we use this excuse to find comfort and reassurance in a time of overwhelming uncertainty? 

At the same time I wonder, what if you can mess up, run from yourself without abandon and still find yourself in a lovely life and love someday? Or, do we at some point, need to take responsibility for our own happiness and create a fertile foundation in our life, sow the seeds so they can soon bloom and therefore ‘fall into place’?

I feel like the outcome deeply depends on the relationships you nurture throughout your twenties. The relationship to yourself (of course) but also those to your friends. 

At some point, when the dynamics of life change, when people's priorities change, who will still be by your side? What types of people do you want by your side? 

This is something the series really put into perspective for me. I know it is just a fictional story, but I do feel like as people get older their priorities change and they start to seek more genuine, nurturing experiences and connections, rather than just collectively running from themselves. People are having families, which naturally shifts priorities. People have less time, so we naturally pick who we hang out with more carefully. Quality time becomes more important. Things that once were ‘cool’ become unimportant.

Maybe we’ll always feel a little off-course in life but with the right people by our side, we can feel confidently lost together and be a home for each other. I think this is the beauty of rich intimate romantic and platonic relationships. When together, life doesn’t feel so daunting and lonely anymore and the chaos may even become enjoyable. 

𖦹

I feel like the heartbreaking thing in your twenties is that a lot of people seem to feel like they can do it alone, like they need to do it alone. Need to outrun what is hurting them alone, need to figure their life out alone, rather than doing it together. I think this comes from this notion that it is a sign of strength to be independent. That we need to earn it (whatever ‘it’ is) by doing it alone. Maybe it’s because in our society, we are raised to be independent. And I think being independent is wonderful but I also believe that we need each other more than we realize. Humans are literally wired for connection. It is not weak to need people.

Even with the strongest, most caring relationship to yourself, we’ll still need to weep in someone's loving arms from time to time.

𖦹

Another thing the Netflix series so beautifully and soberingly portrayed is that maybe your twenties are also about finding out that, eventually, what once was figured out will fall apart again, mental health may fluctuate, seasons change. There is no moment of eternal certainty. 

Lives unfold at different speeds and rhythms. The way the series showed this felt really close to what a lot of us experience in our twenties. Maybe a little too close.. But I do think there is something very hopeful about this as it helps me not compare myself too much to others.

It may feel like everyone else is quicker to figure their lives out, they may have great success in whatever field (career, relationships, family etc.) but then a few years later it may seem like it all collapsed. This doesn’t mean that they failed or that they have done anything wrong, sometimes life just needs to rearrange itself.  Sometimes people simply change, or realize they want something different, or life forces them to change their direction. Whatever it is, I merely want to point out that the speed of all of our lives may vary. Our own speed may vary. Maybe we are a late bloomer. Maybe we start to bloom early and then we have another winter coming, from which we may emerge blooming again. Comparing yourself (not only in your 20s) is a burdensome and senseless undertaking.

So, dear one, maybe today is the day of giving yourself a pat on the back, (or even a hug, because you are doing so well) and reaching out to that friend you want to sit with in your backyard, laughing, 30 years from now. 

And something, I tell myself again and again: don’t take everything so seriously. ;)

Sending so much love! 

- Miriam

And thank you sooo much for reading, it means the world! I’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences in the comments! <3

If you are curious what series I was talking about, it was ‘One Day’, if you haven’t guessed already. 😀